Nobody plans on going to prison, and being sentenced to a term of imprisonment can often come as quite a shock, so it’s best you prepare for that shock well in advance.

A mate of mine asked this week….

“I’m going to jail Jase, I’ve never been before and stressing out big time, what the fuck do I do?“…

Well, I’m hardly an expert on the topic, but I’m no fool either (yet still silly enough to land my arse into prison…more than once).

Since I’ve been there myself I’ll offer what I know so you can settle into your new state sponsored accommodation a little better prepared than the average Joe with a shiny new CRN… (that’s your prisoner number, which is one huge giveaway you’re a novice on the inside).

Therein is my first piece of advice, you have little control over what happens inside, so open your eyes, ears and mind and you should be right.

 

It’ll get better

First stop once the judge hands down their verdict is often cells beneath the court building, or cells at your local police station.

I’ve spent anywhere from a few hours to a few weeks inside cells at my local police station. and compared to actual prison, life in the cells is a pretty bleak existence.

It’ll get better once you move on from the cells, but since that’s where you’ll probably find yourself if your court proceedings lead to prison, it’s best I mention that aspect of imprisonment as well.

Your time starts now, but first up let me tell you, do not count down the time remaining on your sentence, because not only will it very likely annoy fellow prisoners, you’ll certainly do your own fucking head in and possibly suffer depression at best or… just don’t do it… it’s tempting, but don’t.

Day by day… that’s how to do it.

Your mind is your greatest asset while in prison, but it can also be your greatest enemy.

Control it, or it’ll control you.

So, welcome to your new life as prisoner number whatever… (a number will be issued to you, which you’ll never forget, trust me on that).

Concrete beds.

Biscuits perhaps every few hours, with a lukewarm brew, if you’re lucky enough for the kettle to be actually boiled by your caretakers.

Visits once a week from friends, a maximum of one or two persons, through thick glass and often dirty windows.

They’ll probably be asked to leave after half an hour, so talk fast.

Steamed meals, that look and taste like total shit, for every meal.

Every meal.

Bar breakfast that is, which will often be cold hard toast, and perhaps a tiny serve of cereal.

Start practicing on buttering your toast with a spoon in advance.

It’s a challenge.

Knives and prison don’t often mix well folks.

And then when you finally get out of the police cells, you can then look forward to a joyful bus ride, inside a steel cage, to certain fucking hell.

But prison is what you make of it, so here’s some free advice.

Do your own time

Assume everyone in prison is innocent, as they’ll often tell you themselves, they actually are – in their opinion.

Which brings me to don’t ask why others are there, let them tell you yourself if they wish to share the information.

Don’t get involved with others and their problems if you can help it, because at the end of the day, it’s often every man for himself.

Don’t complain. you’re all in the same boat.

And keep your business to yourself if you can, because people on the inside communicate with others on the outside.

Spreading your business about is a sure fire way for information to end up in the wrong hands, leaving you open to all sorts of coercion and manipulation games.

Just focus on yourself, because at the end of the day, you’re the only one that’s ever going to be able to do your own time.

Make it easy on yourself and keep your cards close to your chest at all times.

Talk shit, get hit

You’ll be exposed to a lot of bullshit in prison, and it’s best just to keep your head down and fly under the radar.

Flying under the radar isn’t possible at all times however, and often you’ll be caught up in situations you wouldn’t have dreamed were going to involve you.

While Victoria provides enough prisons to keep problems apart, word has a knack of spreading “in the system“, and issues will more than likely follow you during your sentence.

I’ve seen rumour spread throughout an entire prison unit before the centre of attention even realised he was neck deep in the shit bin.

Easy way to avoid that is don’t give anyone a reason to take a disliking to you, which isn’t easy at the best of times, but do try.

If you do find yourself dragged into bullshit, you’ll need to work it out, either diplomatically, or otherwise.

Which brings me to the next topic… politics, which can really screw with your mind.

Avoid prison politics or pay the price

Politics in prison is probably one of the biggest problems you’ll encounter, so steer well clear of it.

Prison is by no means a popularity contest, but there are many there who don’t quite understand that.

Either fit in, or expect to work it out pretty damn fast.

Flash shoes can be a target for standover types, and outrageous haircuts can bring you attention you might not be equipped to handle.

It’s not a popularity contest, so keep telling yourself that.

Prison politics can end in serious consequences, and if you stick your head out, it’s only a matter of time before somebody knocks that head back down.

Often with unexpected and brutal violence.

Don’t participate in the prison politics game whatsoever, because there’s always a fish much better and much bigger than you in the shark pool.

Don’t get into debt

There’s no actual cash in prison, but you’ll be provided with a prisoner cash account, where friends and family may deposit funds for you to spend while serving your time.

Don’t plan on a lavish lifestyle though as there are strict limits, which during my most recent sentence in Victoria was about $35 dollars a week that can be deposited from those on the outside… around $140 a month.

You’ll be able to supplement any funds coming in from the outside with a prison job if you’re lucky enough to obtain one, which again going on estimates based on my most recent sentence, will earn you around the $1 an hour mark, or just over $6 a day.

The prison will withhold about 20% of your money and hand over the balance of your prisoner cash account upon your release.

The last thing any prison wants is you hanging around outside their gate totally broke, and any funds withheld by the prison should be enough to cover any transport costs to get you the hell away from there and back into society when your day finally comes.

Your release may be some time off into the future, so again, forget about that while you’re there and just get on with it.

Debt in prison can turn nasty very fast and before you know it, your hard earned handful of Chupa Chups or those fancy sneakers on your feet will be the focus of reimbursement to any creditors.

I’ve seen guys rack up serious debt in prison, find themselves unable to repay that debt, then rush to the screws for protection, which often results in being transferred somewhere else – only for the problem to follow them.

If you manage to get yourself into debt while in prison, or want more advice on how to avoid it, then the next topic may be of interest to you especially.

Don’t get into debt, period.

Predators

Prison is home to many messed up people, the likes of which you’ve probably never encountered, because they’re in prison for a good reason – they’re messed up beyond all belief.

There will be predators inside who want what you have, be it a can of soft drink, your coffee stash, right through to your lunch, or even your money (and they’ll find ways of getting it despite there not being any actual cash on the premises).

Many will have next to nothing themselves, and anything they can gain, by any means, is their win and your loss.

Many predators are professionals at improving their lives inside in ways you’ll never see coming.

At times you won’t even realise you’re being preyed upon, as some predator types inside have learned all the tricks and have equipped themselves with the ability to ask the right questions, as innocent as those questions may be, to ascertain what you may be able to offer them.

“Are you getting any visitors” is a common one, which can lead to “have them bring in drugs or we’ll murder your family“.

Ok, that’s an extreme example, but I’ve seen it happen, and every prison has predators, and every prison has drugs or other contraband flowing in usually, so expect the worst and rise above the manipulation.

“What medication are you on” is another… often followed by “sneak some out hey brother…“, and that’s when you’ll find over-medicated psychopaths tripping out in your face and wish you’d never told them a thing.

Even things like meals… I don’t cope with dairy well myself, and every fucking time dairy is served every man and his big prison mate is like “hey can I have your pizza since you can’t eat the cheese“, and before long they’re all behaving like seagulls wanting a slice of your giveaway.

Some situations you can’t avoid, so just smile and stand your ground and enjoy working it out.

Observe the rules

You’re possibly heading to prison for doing the opposite, and not observing the rules of society, or like everybody else you’ll meet in the system, they “didn’t do it“, had “a shit lawyer“, are “innocent“, or just “a bloke down on his luck“.

You’ll hear all sorts of bullshit in prison, and meet people from all walks of life.

Prisons have rules that the screws enforce, and rules that prisoners enforce.

Official prison rules are observed at your own discretion, but rules that prisoners enforce are non-negotiable.

If you steal from other prisoners, and are caught, expect a good belting, or worse, your fingers slammed in a cell door weighing over 200kg.

One of the most horrific things I’ve seen inside a prison is a few fingers sitting on the floor, once belonging to a chap who thought it’d be a good idea to steal a shirt belonging to somebody else.

And don’t expect sympathy from anyone, screws or prisoners alike, should you be caught stealing from others, because that’s considered one of the easiest and guaranteed ways to live in constant fear and there’s nowhere to go but your cell – from which there’s no escape if “the boys” decide they want another bout.

Don’t dob or inform on others.

Don’t air raid or put others on show (which means shooting off your mouth about others around others).

Learn the rules fast, and if you’re unsure about rules enforced by prisoners, then ask, because they’re not written down for your convenience, but I guarantee you they’ll be enforced without a fair trial like you received in court eh?

You’ll soon find there’s many rules to follow in prison, from all directions, but at the end of the day, there’s no rules, and you better work those unwritten rules out fast.

Confused yet?

Every day will be different, but the same

Prison is a boring place, but you can make it fun all the same.

At times it’ll seem like every day is Groundhog Day, and you’ll soon realise that it is, and nothing ever really changes apart from the faces you’re forced to live with.

Entertain or better yourself, by studying, or even take up a craft if that’s available.

I’ve seen prisoners with no artistic skills whatsoever devote their time inside to learning how to paint, and they ended up selling their works for a decent price, and any funds coming in is a bonus.

Perhaps make your loved one a wallet or purse, because at least that’ll show them in some small way that you’re thinking of them while you’re away.

There’s gonna be days, and quite likely plenty of them, where you just feel like screaming at anyone and anything, but that’s your mind slipping, so bring that under control fast.

Once you allow the mundane life of prison to harm you emotionally, it’s often a one way slide.

Whether you accept it or not, the place won’t change to suit your desires.

You have no friends

Your best friend in prison can quickly turn into a dangerous maniac in seconds, and all it takes is one bad experience to flip them over the edge.

Just one.

Prisoners may experience a terrible phone call or perhaps just received a letter containing bad news, and here’s you finding them upset and not aware of their possible potential to explode.

I’ve seen two good prison mates, one on the phone, the other waiting behind him in line, misread each other and the next thing that rock hard phone handpiece found itself turned into a weapon.

The guy waiting in line missing out on his intended call and rushed to the nurse instead.

Make friends, but also keep them at a safe distance, because prison can change people fast and often does.

Help others if you can, because they’re all doing it tough more than likely.

One of the ways I’ve helped others inside is reading and explaining their mail (with their permission of course), especially mail related to legal matters, because you’ll find not everyone inside has the education you might have, and some are illiterate as well.

And if you help others, they may return the favour somehow.

They may not either, but that’s prison life.

And people come and go from prisons all the time, every single day, and that good friend you made inside may disappear from your life overnight for any reason, never to be seen again.

You have no friends inside, but do stick together all the same if you can, because the screws aren’t your friend either.

It’s not all about you

While prison can be tough, understand that it’s also tough for the people you’ve left behind back in the real world.

And prison is another world entirely.

You’ll likely miss attending birthdays and other meaningful milestones, especially if you have young children.

It’s another world entirely without regular updates from those you care about.

Quite possibly the best investments you will make in prison is a note pad, a pen, envelopes and postage stamps, because letters are often the best way to stay in touch.

Be civil – the screws read every single word of every item of private mail coming in and out.

Phone calls, especially if you are imprisoned far away from your home, can be outrageously expensive when you earn around $6 a day.

Did I mention all phone calls are monitored as well?

You lost your privacy at the gate mate.

Strip searches are guaranteed, and begin the moment you arrive in the cells.

Those you care about on the outside may be missing you, may be forced to pay living expenses on their own while you’re away, or perhaps having a hard day for any reason you’ll likely not be aware of.

They too can find the entire experience of your imprisonment one that quickly brings them crashing down.

And then there’s your victim(s) if there are any, who could still be hurting from your actions, so genuine remorse for them is something you’ll have time to reflect on as well.

Genuine remorse will work strongly in your favour should you need to seek parole.

Genuine… I’ve said that three times now.

The parole board has met plenty of fakes long before you arrived, although they too can make mistakes.

Now ignore everything I’ve said

You’ll find everyone’s experience of prison is different, and you’ll be left to work most things out for yourself once thrown into the deep end.

If anything I’ve said is to be remembered, it’s that your mind is your greatest asset, and can also be your worst enemy.

I’ve lost privileges in prison, restricted to buying essentials, faced governors hearings and spent time in the slot for being caught fucking about against actual prison rules, and I still walk out happy, because how I cope is the less you have, the less they can take from you.

It’s a challenge, but your mind is the key.

Don’t lose that mind whatever you do.

Good luck… once you find your place inside you’ll quickly realise there’s far more messed up folk out here on the outside who may never serve a day behind bars.

And remember, don’t count down the fucking days until your release, please, because the guy sitting next to you may very well be serving a very long or life sentence, and you’ve possibly just reminded him what freedom tastes like.

Remove the prisoner… (always wanted to say that) 😀

May you enjoy your all expenses paid holiday all the same.